Have you ever made a life decision then questioned your choice later? I have, and it's eating away at me.
Why did I choose this college? Why did I think this was the right choice? I remember saying something to my mother about it "just feeling right," but I don't know how true that is now. I'm three and a half hours from home. I don't have any friends, and I'm not making much progress in the way of friend making. I get incredibly lonely sometimes.
For as long as I can remember, I've had this drive to be independent. If I had money, I wanted to buy my own things. I loved having a driver's license because I didn't have to depend and rely on other people to take me places. I liked having a job because it gave me a sense of purpose. It provided me with money, and money is very important for independence.
So why am I having such a hard time at school if I'm so independent? Because being independent doesn't mean being a hermit, and that's what I've become. A hermit. I go to class, and I go to my dorm. I refuse to eat in the Caf because I'd have to eat alone. I have acquaintances, but that's all they are. People in my classes who know my name and vice versa.
Why didn't I go to the college less than a half hour away from home? The college where all my friends are? I don't know. For whatever reason, I felt it was "too close." I can't tell you know why I thought that or why I felt I needed to get away from home. What's wrong with home? It's familiar, it's warm and welcoming, and people love you there. Why would you want to leave that? Adventure? Sure. We'll say it was my sense of adventure that had me traipsing to a school 200 miles away.
I love to travel. I've been to seven countries and twenty-something states. I love learning about new places, experiencing new cultures. I went to Europe with a group of people from my school, and it was great. I didn't get homesick. I had a great time. I thought, 'College won't be that bad. I'll be much closer to home.' I've always wanted a career involving travel and maybe living overseas. Now I'm questioning my ability to do that. Could I handle living in another country by myself? Can I be that far from home for that long? What if I limit myself because I'm not independent enough? All these questions are floating around in my head as I'm trying to balance classes, homework, and keeping in touch at home.
In high school, I knew tons of people because we went to school together for YEARS. I miss seeing familiar faces and casually saying 'Hi!' on my way to class. I miss band. I don't necessarily miss playing music, but I miss the camaraderie. I was the president, so people looked to me for answers. I was a 'smart kid,' so people looked to me for answers. I was a good friend (I think), so people looked to me for answers. Maybe part of what I miss is being depended on.
There are many things I like about my college. I like the classes. I like the professors. I like the campus and the town. I just think I'd like it better if I didn't feel so alone all the time. I have hard time letting myself feel this way. My independence complex wants me to push these feelings aside and 'man up.' I've done well so far. I've only had one emotional breakdown. I had a friend ask me if I'd transfer at semester. I told him no. Why? Because I'm stubborn. This is the choice I made, and for now, anyway, this is the choice I live with.
Again I ask you readers, have you ever made a life decision then questioned your choice later?